Have you ever been a victim of another woman putting you down? Yes? Well, we’ve all been there. Have you also been that woman who has put someone else down? Be honest. It may be difficult to admit and perhaps you are a saint, but I personally can’t say that I’ve never said a mean thing about another female without my nose growing. Although my examples are all from my secondary school years, as a pubescent, the issue still stands. Women as a group are guilty of undermining each other. We go through lengths to pull the sword out of the stone, achieving what many thought impossible, only to use it to stab another in the back.
Whilst I adore the dreamy narratives of fairytales, I also dislike them as a passionate feminist. One of my issues with these stories is the constant battle of female Vs female; Snow White and the Evil Queen, Cinderella and her step-sisters, Aurora and Maleficent. I am exhausted from seeing women pitted against each other and perceiving each other as a threat to their own reign. Can we not co-exist together? I’m not exclusively talking about the pages in books. This constant competition between females is alive and thriving in the real world. It has became so normalised, I question if I will ever see the day when it is banished with Ursula to the Isle of the Lost.
I recently stumbled upon an amazing quote on Pinterest: ‘Real Queens Fix Each Other’s Crowns’ and it has really resonated within me. As you all know, my mission on Eternally Elle is to empower and inspire other women to be the queen of their own life. Yet, this will never be achieved if I lack to inform you on what it means to be a real queen. Inauthenticity equates to a fake queen and I can guarantee that she’ll be making sure she’s the only one wearing a crown. Here are the 7 magical traits of an authentic queen…
She is in competition with herself
The dominant part of a fake queen is that she views every woman as competition. She is constantly comparing herself to others and perceives other women as a threat to her reign. Unbeknownst to her, she doesn’t realise that there is more than one kingdom and she’ll be happier with herself if she is focused on building her own castle.
Comparison really is the thief of joy and when you focus on every one else’s achievements, you lose sight of your own. Just because you believe another woman is pretty, smart or self-assured doesn’t mean that you can’t also be these things too. There are millions of stars in the sky and they all shine together, each one as beautiful as the next. They don’t worry about twinkling brighter, outshining the other stars. A star simply focuses on it’s own glow, phlegmatic and happy to share the sky. Each one able to admire the ball of fire burning bright beside them, without feeling threatened.
A real queen understands that another woman’s success does not result in her downfall. She has her own throne and she’s focused on making herself better, competing against the woman she was yesterday and nobody else. She knows that there are enough opportunities in the world, that she doesn’t need to take some one else’s or envy them for their achievements.
Her Support is genuine
A fake queen never supports others out of fear that they’ll do better than her. She’ll gossip and make catty comments resulting in bringing other women down and focusing all her energy on negative thoughts.
Theres a reason why women have been constantly pitted against each other and encouraged to compete with one another. When women support each other incredible things happen and we become a force to be reckoned with. Women have always been a threat to society and what many must realise is that there is a higher power at play; internalised misogyny. The problem isn’t other woman, the problem is a patriarchal society and the belief that women are lesser than men. When we are rejecting to support other women, we are actively taking the side of a patriarchal society where females should not be succeeding unless it’s in the kitchen.
A real queen understand this issue and works towards a brighter future by becoming an example of a truly supportive woman. She will fix another woman’s crown without telling the world it was crooked.
She sits on a throne of compassionate honesty
Honesty is a skill which many like to claim they have but forget to put it in practice. A fake queen talks about others behind their backs because she lacks the ability to be honest with this person. Lying comes in many forms but this seems to be the most detrimental when it comes to us women.
Instead of talking about each other, we should be able to talk to each other and finding a way to be comfortable to say the difficult things so that we no longer feel compelled to whisper behind each other’s backs. It does no good and ends up creating the conflict many of us were trying to avoid in the first place! When someone is giving us feedback and attempting to be more compassionately honest, we must try and not react with our emotions but understand that they are helping us to become better people. I personally love this as I am always striving to be a better human being, not to obtain perfection but, to be the best version of myself I can possibly be. This cannot be achieved without constructive criticism and being able to detach yourself from your emotional responses.
Real queens help others build their own castles and treat it as if it were their own. A genuine queen will not claim war on another’s kingdom nor creates alliances with other Queens to take one down. She understand there are no winners in war. Talking about another queen behind her back, whether this be positive or negative, does no good. She finds the courage to tell her to her face because we are all in this together.
Stereotypes are ditched
Have you ever heard another woman say “I don’t have many friends that are women, they’re too catty and gossip all the time”? Have you ever thought it yourself? A fake queen not only believes these stereotypes but she reinforces them by playing the role herself and spreading these false accusations about the whole female population.
Woman are viewed as weak, conniving, emotional and incapable of leading a kingdom. If she’s a queen, she’s made of ice and she must be masculine because one cannot be powerful and feminine right? Wrong. These stereotypes need to be diminished once and for all. Why can’t a woman be strong, compassionate, emotionally stable and powerful all at once? The whole world is already judging us, do we really need to add fuel to that toxic fire?
A real queen stays true to herself and turns away from gender stereotypes. She does not view other women as fragile, emotionally-unstable beings whom only have time to gossip- but as queens. Queens that can be strong, independent, generous and kind. Her definition of femininity is quite different to what humans have always indoctrinated, throughout history, and she intends to relinquish this dated idea once and for all.
She has a strong sense of self-worth and confidence
A fake queen lacks self-confidence and thus, lacks faith in herself and her abilities. Her self-esteem is low, resulting in her being more prone to put others down in a weak attempt to build herself up. It’s a self-sabotaging method which manifests negativity and burns any bridges she could cross for her quest to self-love.
When we lack self confidence our insecurities take over and we can fall into a dark shadow of self-hatred that is projected onto others. I truly believe that when someone is mean and hateful to another, it is a reflection of the relationship they have with themselves and not the target of this negativity. Not only can they transform into the dragon in their story, breathing fire at everyone whom crosses their path, but those who suffer from low self-esteem, are more likely to sabotage themselves when something positive comes along because they don’t feel worthy.
Wearing beautiful things because you know you deserve it, is a great start towards self-investment.
For instance, when I put this incredible dress on by Lara, (dress no. #33598) a family-owned designer dedicated to producing the finest quality dresses, supplied by NewYorkDress, I felt empowered because I was wearing something that made me feel amazing. This dress is a piece of art, with a touch of magic crafted at it’s essence and having the opportunity to put something so enchanting on my body increases my confidence. Why can’t we all treat ourselves to beautiful things? Once you start realising your own beauty and that you are worth more, a golden crown will start to take shape.
A real queen invests in herself, performing continuous acts of self care, has accepted her imperfections, learnt to love her body and has a high sense of self-worth. She knows that the world has enough negative energy without her adding to it and life is too short and too precious to spend it on self-doubt, hatred and malice. A real queen knows that true confidence is incompatible with envy. When you know you are great, there is no reason to hate.
A leader by nature
Being a leader doesn’t necessarily mean standing at the front of the battlefield and leading your soldiers into war. It can be much more discrete than this by setting great examples, which others can admire and follow. A fake queen lacks genuine leadership skills by setting out to be a leader instead of making a difference. This may result in achievement but does not forge her into a true leader as she has not shifted her focus from herself onto others.
Becoming a leader is synonymous with becoming your authentic self. Their greatness is not manifested from power but because of their ability to empower others. Contrary to popular belief, leaders are made not born and the choice is yours.
A real queen follows her own moral compass where her actions inspire others to dream more, learn more, do more and become more which makes her a true leader. She understands that leadership is not about being in charge, it is about taking care of those in her charge. It is not about acquiring a title as this is a superficial and desperate attempt and no queen is a true queen by calling herself one. It is through selfless acts, taking responsibility for her mistakes, focusing on what is right and fighting for change where she sees fit and only after she has changed herself first.
She practices the golden rule
The golden rule is the jewels on the top of the crown. It is the concept of treating others as you would like to be treated and originates from religious teachings. A fake queen lacks empathy and the ability to view herself as someone else, resulting in many becoming her target. She cannot treat others as she would wish others to treat her because she fails to be kind to herself. After all, the relationships we have with others is a reflection of the relationship we have with ourself.
I recently stumbled upon GOMI; a site with countless forums of women making hateful comments about bloggers. The website has been around for some time, so I’m a little late, but it’s still being actively used as we speak and in all honest, it’s left me feeling very unsettled. As previously mentioned, I am aware that a negative hateful thought is a reflection of the speaker and not the subject, yet it is still disheartening to see so many women putting others down and a lot of what is said is appalling. Even though I have always held my head up high when dealing with haters in my real life, and have been fortunate to not have it affect me. Seeing this form of cyber-bullying has left me with a lump in my throat and questioning for the past few weeks why I’m even blogging.
Empathy is a queens greatest asset because it allows her to step into the peta-approved heels of someone else and walk their path. A real queen takes other peoples feeling into consideration and treats them as she wishes to be treated. It is such a simple act but unfortunately, many of us are lusting for the wrong sort of gold.
*In collaboration with Lara and NewYorkDress. This dress was gifted to me by Lara through NewYorkDress. Please note that I will never work with a brand that I do not believe in and I will always share my honest, genuine thoughts no matter what.
EternallyElle uses affiliate links. Read the disclaimer for more info.